Free Hugs
I saw this video a year ago about giving out free hugs and thought it was pretty cool:
From a social anxiety standpoint, how awkward would it be to go up to people (without a sign) and just ask for a hug? It made me a little uncomfortable when I thought about it, especially when it means approaching other men, whether they are alone, with a group, or extremely masculine and tough-looking. I mean, how weird would it look for a guy to walk up to big muscular or tattooed random dude and asking him for a hug. What about approaching a group of guys, couples, families, or girls? As a result, I had to go do it.
6/12/09
I went out on Third Street Promenade and approached 40 people with, “You look friendly. Can I give you a hug?” Out of the 40, I got 4 of them to give me a hug -- a 10% success rate. As I suspected, asking the guys for a hug was the hardest. I got plenty of disgusted looks and whispers to their friend about what my problem is. Can’t remember for certain, but one of them might even have told me to fuck off. Anyways, it’s interesting to see how uncomfortable some men are with embracing other men. I was one of them because I was afraid of guys thinking that I’m gay for asking. But if I can’t be comfortable with physical touch with men, how can I expect to be comfortable with physical touch with women?
6/20/09
I went to Venice Boardwalk this time with Eyes Wide Open and did another 40 approaches with the same line: “You look really friendly. Can I give you a hug?” I didn’t keep track of how many hugs I actually got, but it must have been at least a 20-30% compliance this time. So what did I do differently this time to get better results?
- Opening early -- Most of my approaches were oncoming traffic. In other words, I would ask people walking towards me rather than from behind or the side. But when they were coming towards me, I made sure to start talking early. They were at least 7-10 feet away so that I could get out everything I wanted to say by the time they were within hugging distance. In the previous attempts, I would open too late and they would have walked past me by the time I finished asking. And by then, it was easier for them to decline and just keep walking, rather than turning around to talk/hug me.
- Speaking loudly -- I didn’t shout, but I made sure to speak loud enough that they could hear me from the 7-10 feet distance. But in order to do this, it required me to project my voice past them and having people around me overhearing what I was saying without caring what they thought about me. I especially remember this one time when there was a large group of people walking towards me. There were at least 10-15 people in the group. They weren’t all together, but they were walking in one giant cluster. So when I opened the people in the front, I had to talk lough enough for the people in the back to hear. And of course when the people in front declined, everyone else behind them followed suit and ignored me as well.
- Certainty in voice tonality and body language -- When I only got 1 out of 10 in the first experiment, it was pretty much asking them for a hug. This time around when I doubled or tripled my results, I was doing it more confidently as if I was expecting them to give me the hug. It was a combination of asking for a hug and telling them I was going to hug them. Funny thing is that most people wouldn’t really give me the hug, but was willing to stand there and let me hug them. Goes to show in life that sometimes it’s not just about meeting halfway, but just going for it.
- Holding my arms wide open -- As I’m saying, “can I give you a hug?,” I open my arms wide and welcome the embrace. This puts a little extra social pressure for people to not let me hang with my arms out like that.
- Standing there and not taking no for an answer -- I was much more successful with people that were standing still than walking. Since they were already stationary, I made sure to stand there with my arms out and didn’t take no for an answer. The only way they could say no was to walk away from me. And by just standing there and not going away, it was a lot more social pressure for them to comply. I remember a mother I approached rejected me and said no because I was a stranger, but I continued to stand there unfazed for several seconds. I could tell by the look on her face that she was surprised by my resilience. I then asked her at least 2-3 more times until I finally convinced her and she gave me a hug.
For the most part, I approached anybody: all guys, just one guy, all girls, just one girl, mother with kids, alpha guys, gay guys, etc. I wasn’t completely fearless though because I did skip the stinky homeless people and the ones that looked like gangsters.
Overall, I gained a couple of things from this exercise. First, it helped me get over some social anxiety. And secondly, it’s been very useful for approaching women. The five principles I listed above for improving my hug compliance also applies to approaching women. In fact, I used that on a few cuties to start conversations. One reason I really like it for an opener is that it filters out the women who are not adventurous, open, friendly, and outgoing -- all of which are qualities that are significant to me. I’m kicking myself in the butt though because I had a couple of opportunities with two cuties, but didn’t go for the phone number.
For the first one, the conversation was going well, but her father/uncle came up and joined us. I told him that I was giving hugs today and gave him one too. He was cool and friendly about it, but I was still afraid to go for the phone number because he was standing right there.
The second one was even worse. She was such an adorable brunette: she was sporting some Chuck Taylors with some short little shorts. And when I hugged her, she had this intoxicating scent. Yummy. Anyways, we only chatted for several seconds, but then she eventually started walking away. I remembered Brian’s line, “Hey, I’m not done flirting with you yet.” Unfortunately, that didn’t stop her and she kept walking. She ultimately stopped several feet at the crosswalk and stood there, but my lame ass turned around and walked away, instead of following her and trying to continue the conversation. Damn it!
But oh well, it’s missed opportunities like these that motivate us to capitalize on the next one.
I think this idea is pretty fantastic. I have seen the signs asking for a free hug but I love that you went up to people ans asked on your own.
I also love the line that you wrote “But if I can’t be comfortable with physical touch with men, how can I expect to be comfortable with physical touch with women?” That is so true and I really like that you admit that!
There’s something about the sign. Guy with a “free hugs” sign: charming and fun. Random guy asking for hugs: hmmm. You must have a very sincere appearance since it seems many people went for the hug when you asked.
As someone who is uncomfortable most of the time, I must say this blog is very thought-provoking.
Crazy dude, I like to think I would have said yes but I think I would have been a little concerned that you were up to something untoward.
Its awkward at first, but I love this video.
This is a good idea to get good at becoming less uncomfortable in such situations. But I think you should think this in terms of giving/pulling value from people (your approach). Obviously you started doing better when you were being more confident and giving rather than tentatively asking something from people.
You should also apply this to your ferris wheel thang.
If you are testing their compliance, then you are kind of depending they are attracted/interested in you enough to “comply” (go along with what you suggested) so … it might help you to come in and show yourself in the best first-impression light/way and be all more direct “hey I you’re cute! I wanted to say hi” then go along with what you were doing. But you might try doing a softer/mini compliance test and then rewarding them with the hug.
I would have given you a hug man! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Have a great day C Dub. Gotta fly…Gotta “Act” – Vision without action is a dream brother!