Shanghai Slammer Fucks Air
Ever since I started this blog, I’ve been compelled (and slightly obligated) to live up to it. Thanks to the bright idea of creating this website, I’ve wet my bed and now must sleep in it. This is both a bad and good thing. Bad that it doesn’t feel very comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone everyday and good that the website holds me accountable and forces me to do it. And tonight, it’s been the most uncomfortable to date.
So last week I received an email from Yelp and noticed that there was a link to the Air Sex World Championships. Being naive, I clicked on the link and saw pictures and videos of people having sex with the air. Sweet! I’m learning to become a more sexual guy, so I should go and at least check it out.
I suppose I should have brought a date or some friends, but cruised over there alone anyways. As I’m looking for the venue, I bumped into a couple of dudes looking for air sex too, as the three of us walked by the Angelus Temple -- ironic. I ultimately get there and start chatting with some of the people hanging around waiting for the event to begin. I think it was the second group of girls I spoke to that mentioned that anyone can just sign up and perform and suggested that I go do it.
As soon as that thought came into my mind, I almost peed in my pants. The idea of going up onto stage in front of everyone and fucking the air was a scary thought, especially because I walked through those doors with absolutely zero intention of performing. I was just there to check it out and the thought of going up there with no routine or practice scared the shit out of me. As a recovering perfectionist, I had this intense need for certainty, planning, and practicing everything I do so that it’s perfect. Coming from that place, it was scary. I was not only scared about doing it, but scared that I knew I had to do it now because that’s how I’ve chosen to live my life from this point forward -- out of my comfort zone.
So now, the first thing that comes to my mind is: how do I go up there and not make a complete ass out of myself? Since that inherently wasn’t possible at an air sex event, my next question was: so how do I go up there and do a kick-ass job? How am I suppose to figure out what I’m going to do? Then it struck me -- go ask your audience, idiot!
I think I had about 30 minutes, so I talked to as many women and then men as possible. That was a fun exercise. Just walk up to a group of women and ask, “So, what do you like a man to do to you when you’re having sex?” I’m pretty sure I probably would have gotten slapped in the face at any other venue, but this was the air sex championships and pretty much EVERYBODY I talked to was super cool about helping me out.
The first guy I talked to said I was going to win. I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic since he was buzzed, but what the hell -- I’ll take his blessing.
One of the first group of gals I talked to were Michelle and Dana. I told them I was going to be Shanghai Schlong (credit to Ben in NorCal for coming up with the name at Robbie’s Pimp ‘n Hos birthday party), but the girls dubbed me Shanghai Slammer and suggested that I incorporate some professional wrestling. Cool. Shanghai Slammer it is. From there, I bounced from group to group and collected about 20-25 ideas. You guys are an awesome group of dirty raunchy guys and gals. I love it.
At this point, I began glancing over the list of ideas and gave my brain permission to start coming up with ideas on how to put it all together in a storyline/sequence. I slowly developed an idea of the overall beginning, middle, and end and then stopped thinking about it. I would glance and meditate over the list a few more times, but then shifted focus to completely letting go, remaining calm, and trusting that my brain will guide my body to do whatever it needs to do when it’s showtime.
During roll call, we were told that it was going to be completely random and I was praying that I could go first so that I could get it over with. But of course, I ultimately ended up being last. This sucked because I could barely pay attention to the other competitors since I had to try not to stew, but remain calm for the next 20-30 minutes. And of course, my motto was to do it without alcohol. Can’t develop a dependence on liquid courage to get into “state” because it’s only temporary and won’t always be there in life. I genuinely need to learn to internally change who I am in order to make permanent lasting change -- thus, no booze and must do it 100% sober.
All the competitors on stage did an amazing job. It takes some serious balls (and ovaries) to go up there and do something like that, so I gotta commend them for doing it. When it was my turn to go, I flipped the switch from serious to showtime and everything after that was a big blur. I know I couldn’t have done any of that if it wasn’t for all my friends, classmates, and instructors when I was taking improv for several months at Mission Improvable and Magic Meathands.
Now I haven’t seen the video or pictures from the scene yet [stay tuned], but I’m sure it’s going to be pretty embarrassing. And now that I think about it, I may have just thrown any opportunities of a white collar profession out the window. But that’s cool -- who wants one anyways.
After it was over, I was relieved for about half a second, until I realized that I have to go do it again when it was announced that I was moving onto the second and final round. And instead of almost peeing in my pants, I almost shitted in them. I virtually emptied my repertoire on the first round and now must come up with another scene. But if I did it the first time, I had to trust myself that I could do it again. I was fortunate to go second, so I had a little time to repeat the same mental process and came up with at least something slightly different. I didn’t top my first one, but it was good enough to win. Having that slight plan for the second round and the certainty in body language (despite not really knowing what I was going to do next, but fully committing anyways) probably were the two main factors for the win. But of course, it was the audience that really pulled through for me.
So thank you for sharing the love and cheering me on. Please holler at me if you were there tonight because I really do appreciate you for helping this underdog get the victory. And if you have any ideas or suggestions for the finals, please shout at me too. Because now that I’m going to the finals, my next mission is to win it all for LA.
PICTURES
http://www.flickr.com/photos/skampy/sets/72157620641964754/
VIDEOS
Wontoncruelty was in the audience and shot this video of me for round 1! Thanks!
I was at the show last night (that’s how I heard about your website too). Dude, you rocked it. I was actually impressed by everyone–even the one or two that were not that great–for being so brazen and just not giving a shit. BTW, I can’t believe you did that sober!
Omg, I can’t believe you had air sex. Actually I think the whole concept of being uncomfortable and getting out of your comfort zone is awesome. I want the courage to be uncomfortable too.
I was at the show the other night and you were by far the most phenomenal! I’m very glad you plugged your website, because I think it’s great what you do. I like your point about maintaining sobriety while doing it; something that I should try doing more often! You definitely had two fans cheering for you in the audience (and thanks for randomly saying Hi when you walked in!)
Wow, this made me laugh for about a hour. I would have loved to have seen this live. I don’t think there is any other contest like it!
U….are….my…fucking…hero!!! Man that shit takes balls, and boy u got some big ones, I honestly don’t think I could pull that off, karaoke, fine. Imaginary fucking in front of horny strangers? Count me out! You’re really taking this being uncomfortable to a whole other bro, I’m learning alot from reading these articles…keep it up man, you’re changing lives w/ this stuff!
I love how you turned your anxiety and wariness about participating into a “Gung Ho” spirit! And then went in there and kicked ass!
This is the second time in a week I’ve heard of the “air sex” thing. There was a big event or competition here in NY recently. Learn something new every day.
LOL!!! You have come a long way! I want to post that first video of you and JoJo for reference.
Dude…you ARE THE MAN! The freakin Shanghai Slammer! It was cool being able to be in your mind as you processed the decision and broke down the steps to do a “kick ass” job. I love your website man. Check out this video for getting out of your comfort zone: http://www.vimeo.com/1778399
Live STRONG SS!!!
G