www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

From a social anxiety standpoint, how awkward would it be to go up to people (without a sign) and just ask for a hug? It made me a little uncomfortable when I thought about it, especially when it means approaching other men, whether they are alone, with a group, or extremely masculine and tough-looking. I mean, how weird would it look for a guy to walk up to big muscular or tattooed random dude and asking him for a hug. What about approaching a group of guys, couples, families, or girls? As a result, I had to go do it.

6/12/09
I went out on Third Street Promenade and approached 40 people with, “You look friendly. Can I give you a hug?” Out of the 40, I got 4 of them to give me a hug -- a 10% success rate. As I suspected, asking the guys for a hug was the hardest. I got plenty of disgusted looks and whispers to their friend about what my problem is. Can’t remember for certain, but one of them might even have told me to fuck off. Anyways, it’s interesting to see how uncomfortable some men are with embracing other men. I was one of them because I was afraid of guys thinking that I’m gay for asking. But if I can’t be comfortable with physical touch with men, how can I expect to be comfortable with physical touch with women?

6/20/09
I went to Venice Boardwalk this time with Eyes Wide Open and did another 40 approaches with the same line: “You look really friendly. Can I give you a hug?” I didn’t keep track of how many hugs I actually got, but it must have been at least a 20-30% compliance this time. So what did I do differently this time to get better results?

1. Opening early -- Most of my approaches were oncoming traffic. In other words, I would ask people walking towards me rather than from behind or the side. But when they were coming towards me, I made sure to start talking early. They were at least 7-10 feet away so that I could get out everything I wanted to say by the time they were within hugging distance. In the previous attempts, I would open too late and they would have walked past me by the time I finished asking. And by then, it was easier for them to decline and just keep walking, rather than turning around to talk/hug me.
2. Speaking loudly -- I didn’t shout, but I made sure to speak loud enough that they could hear me from the 7-10 feet distance. But in order to do this, it required me to project my voice past them and having people around me overhearing what I was saying without caring what they thought about me. I especially remember this one time when there was a large group of people walking towards me. There were at least 10-15 people in the group. They weren’t all together, but they were walking in one giant cluster. So when I opened the people in the front, I had to talk lough enough for the people in the back to hear.  And of course when the people in front declined, everyone else behind them followed suit and ignored me as well.
3. Certainty in voice tonality and body language -- When I only got 1 out of 10 in the first experiment, it was pretty much asking them for a hug.  This time around when I doubled or tripled my results, I was doing it more confidently as if I was expecting them to give me the hug.  It was a combination of asking for a hug and telling them I was going to hug them. Funny thing is that most people wouldn’t really give me the hug, but was willing to stand there and let me hug them. Goes to show in life that sometimes it’s not just about  meeting halfway, but just going for it.
4. Holding my arms wide open -- As I’m saying, “can I give you a hug?,” I open my arms wide and welcome the embrace.  This puts a little extra social pressure for people to not let me hang with my arms out like that.
5. Standing there and not taking no for an answer -- I was much more successful with people that were standing still than walking. Since they were already stationary, I made sure to stand there with my arms out and didn’t take no for an answer. The only way they could say no was to walk away from me. And by just standing there and not going away, it was a lot more social pressure for them to comply. I remember a mother I approached rejected me and said no because I was a stranger, but I continued to stand there unfazed for several seconds. I could tell by the look on her face that she was surprised by my resilience. I then asked her at least 2-3 more times until I finally convinced her and she gave me a hug.

For the most part, I approached anybody: all guys, just one guy, all girls, just one girl, mother with kids, alpha guys, gay guys, etc. I wasn’t completely fearless though because I did skip the stinky homeless people and the ones that looked like gangsters.

Overall, I gained a couple of things from this exercise. First, it helped me get over some social anxiety. And secondly, it’s been very useful for approaching women. The five principles I listed above for improving my hug compliance also applies to approaching women. In fact, I used that on a few cuties to start conversations. One reason I really like it for an opener is that it filters out the women who are not adventurous, open, friendly, and outgoing -- all of which are qualities that are significant to me. I’m kicking myself in the butt though because I had a couple of opportunities with two cuties, but didn’t go for the phone number.

For the first one, the conversation was going well, but her father/uncle came up and joined us. I told him that I was giving hugs today and gave him one too. He was cool and friendly about it, but I was still afraid to go for the phone number because he was standing right there.

The second one was even worse. She was such an adorable brunette: she was sporting some Chuck Taylors with some short little shorts. And when I hugged her, she had this intoxicating scent. Yummy. Anyways, we only chatted for several seconds, but then she eventually started walking away. I remembered Brian’s line, “Hey, I’m not done flirting with you yet.” Unfortunately, that didn’t stop her and she kept walking. She ultimately stopped several feet at the crosswalk and stood there, but my lame ass turned around and walked away, instead of following her and trying to continue the conversation. Damn it!

But oh well, it’s missed opportunities like these that motivate us to capitalize on the next one.

Me: Hey, you guys seem pretty cool. I’m curious. On a scale of 1-10 and beyond, how adventurous would you say you are?
Girl #1: 7!
Girl #2: 8!
Me: Really? The reason I’m asking is because my buddy and I are looking for someone to ride the Ferris wheel with because we’re scared of heights.
Girl #1: Oh. I thought you were asking because you were looking for people to be on a TV show or something.
Me: So is that a yes?
Girl #2: No, thanks. [Walks away.]
Me: What? Haven’t you ever been on a 10-minute date?
Girl #2: My boyfriend would probably have an issue with it.

I asked a few more groups of people, but they all politely declined. I even asked a couple, but they declined the double-date as well. Anyways, one day I’ll get one…

6/26/09
When I did this last time at the Spectrum, I was rolling with my boy Frankie. But this time, I went solo to see how it would go. At least for me, it’s always easier to do approaches when you’re with your friend(s) because they push you to go for it and support you if you fail. Kinda like a coach. So going alone is always the most difficult.

When I went today by myself, I had much less anxiety about approaching solo today than I have in the past. I believe this is a result of continually making approaches with your friend(s) so that the fear eventually goes away enough that you can do it on your own. And slowly over time, I should be able to approach as well by myself as if I was with a buddy.

Today, I approached 8 groups/sets of women: 2 of them were by themselves, 3 of them were 2-sets (2 girls in the group), 2 of them were 3-sets, and 1 of them was a 4-set. I didn’t have the nerve to approach men (whether alone or with friends) or any group with men in them. I modified my opening line a bit: “I know this is kind of random, but you guys look really friendly. Are you adventurous though? On a scale of 1-10 and beyond, how adventurous would you say you are? Oh 8 [for example]. That’s pretty good. Most people rate themselves at a 6 or 7. The reason I ask is because I’ve been worked/lived in Santa Monica for a few years and I’ve never been on the Ferris wheel before and I’m looking for someone to ride it with.”

So what were the results?

For the first girl by herself, she was a nicely tanned blonde working at Pinkberry. She was in charge of directing people into the free Pinkberry promotion line. I approached with my opener and also added a “you’re cute” somewhere in there, but she has a boyfriend and declined. I gave her a hug at the end though, so that was cool. The second girl by herself who I approached also worked at Pinkberry. She was a cute young brunette who actually took over for the blonde because she had just gotten off work. Unfortunately I got the same result – boyfriend. But in addition, this one was a much shyer girl. Every time I moved half an inch closer to her, she moved 2 inches back. Her body language was completely defensive.

I approached three 2-sets. One of them went well. She didn’t say yes to riding on the Ferris wheel right at that moment because they were shopping, but I got her phone number and will see if I can schedule it for another time. Unfortunately, it felt more like I was extracting the phone number from her more so than her giving it to me, so we’ll see how well that works out. Of the remaining two, they both declined and one of them was the worst interaction of the day. I’m pretty proud of it though because they were both sitting outside of the Coffee Bean and I stopped to talk to them over the guardrail with everyone else sitting there watching me. It went something like:

Me: [Opener.]
Girl #1: Can’t you see that we’re having a conversation here.
Me: I thought you were kinda cute.
Girl #1: Thanks, but why don’t you ask that guy.
Me: [I look at the guy she's pointing to and he has this incredibly disturbed look on his face. I can tell he was extremely uncomfortable for himself and/or me. I was completely relaxed though. The first thing that came to my mind was:] But he doesn’t meet the height requirement for the Ferris wheel. He’s too tall. [I was caught off guard by her comment, so what I blurted out made no sense.]
Girl #1: Well, that was rude.
Me: Sorry, I’m just warming up. [They were the first or second approach of the day.]
Girl #1: I think you should go now.
Me: OK. Have a nice day.

One of the two 3-sets was almost as bad. After overhearing them planning to go on the Ferris wheel, I approached:
Me: [Opener.]
Girl #1: We’re going to go, but just the three of us. Because when we take pictures, we don’t want you in them.

It was a fair enough comment, but kinda stung a bit for a split second.

I saw the final 4-set from across the street and should have ran across to talk to them, but I chickened out. I was lucky that they crossed the street and came over to my way. But by the time they got to my corner, there were at least 10-15 people surrounding them and I’m sure all of them could overhear me. Just a couple of months ago, I probably would have been too afraid to speak loudly enough, fearing that the people around us would overhear and laugh or think poorly of me, especially if I failed. But through these progressive conditioning exercises, I think I’m done caring about what other people think in this context. And how nice it is to be free of that.

Now that I’ve done this a couple of times, I think one part of the new strategy for an instant 10-minute date on the Ferris wheel would be to approach people who are physically closer to the Ferris wheel (rather than several minutes away by foot) so that it would be easier for them to get on. I also probably would have a higher likelihood of getting better results by approaching tourists and/or out-of-towners because they’re already new to the area and looking for something different.