Today I decided that my new career is being a photographer. So what type of photography will I be doing? The most gratifying type of photography to me is of people. Men, women, children – doesn’t matter. I believe there’s something beautiful about capturing a moment in time in someone’s life. Taking a snapshot where they could look back years from now and remember. After all, at the end of the day all we have left are our memories – something that nobody could ever take away from us.

So how did I come up with that idea? I’ve always loved photography and wanted to get into it as a hobby. But about a month ago, I was killing time on Facebook when my friend Ximena posted a link on her profile of her boudoir photoshoot. When I looked at that, my first reaction was, “Oh shit! Who the hell is that?!?” I’ve always seen Ximena in the work environment and she never came to the office in lingerie, so I was amazed at the pictures! I always knew Ximena was a stunning woman, but the way Christa Meola, the photographer, brought this amazing beauty out of her knocked my socks off.

That was about a month ago. And today, I just got off the phone with Christa and you could say that she was the straw that broke the camel’s back – in a good way. Her enthusiasm and love for photography inspired me to stop sitting on my ass and make a decision about what I want to do with my life. So I decided. That may sound insignificant, but don’t underestimate the tremendous power in simply making a decision. Being a self-improvement junkie, here’s some quotes for ya:

“Every day, in every moment, you get to exercise choices that will determine whether or not you will become a great person, living a great life. Greatness is not something predetermined, predestined or carved into your fate by forces beyond your control. Greatness is always in the moment of the decision.” – Jeff Olson

“Every great leap forward in your life comes after you have made a clear decision of some kind.” – Brian Tracy

“It’s in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.” — Anthony Robbins

I’ve been an IT guy for pretty much all my life. But today at the age of 29, I decided to make photography my new profession. So what does that mean? It means that photography is going to consume the majority of my time “working” and will be my primary source of income. Sure I can wait until I’m completely out of debt to start a new business. Sure I can make it a hobby first and see if I’m any good at it. But then again, where’s the fun in that? What better time than now to start something new since the timing will never be perfect anyways. Yeah it’s a little scary to do something completely new and I’m sure there are going to be many bumps in the road, but enthusiasm and determination will go a long way.

Is it possible that in 6 months I’ll want to be something totally different? – Absolutely. Is it possible that photography might not be the final destination and is just a stepping stone to something bigger and better? – Highly possible. The point is, I’ll never find out unless I take this first step.

So what is the first step? Well…I gotta get a camera. But before I do that, let’s get some demand and find some prospects and clients. But even before that, I leave you with this question:

What would YOU do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

Why in the world are you doing this?
My primary reason for doing this is to smash social anxiety by going into a heavily populated public area as a man wearing a dress. By doing this, my outcome was to be liberated from social anxiety and the fear of what negative things other people may think of me. By being free from the fear of criticism, I will be more empowered in many areas of my life. There have been too many times in the past where I didn’t do something or was afraid to do it (even though it was in my personal best interest) because of what naysayers would think. And continuing to live that way is no longer acceptable in my world.

Some other reasons:

• It’s summer and it’ll be July 4th on Saturday and I don’t think there will be any weekend for the remainder of the year that will have this much foot traffic.  It’ll be maximum exposure and the same opportunity won’t be coming around for a while.
• I’ll learn to walk into the midst of tension and manage it.
• This type of feat will help me prepare for the World Air Sex Championships in Vegas.
• Perhaps it will inspire someone else out there in the world to do something that goes outside their comfort zone.
• It’s an ego/confidence boost to be able to say that I had the balls to do something like this. It also becomes a powerful frame of reference for me.  One day in the future I’m going to encounter a challenge that I’ll have self-doubt about overcoming.  I’m then going to tell myself that if I can walk down Venice Boardwalk in a dress, then I can overcome this petty challenge.  Sometimes it might not work, but other times it will.

However, when I discussed this with my coaches at Inner Confidence, they actually DISCOURAGED me from doing it.  They said it would be good for someone who is much more shy and reserved.  But if I were to do it, it would only be a way to distract myself from something they think I’m even more afraid of: connecting with women.  I sincerely respect the advice they give me and I can agree with that on some level, but I still think the benefits and opportunity is worth pursuing and am doing it anyways.

The caveats.

But in order to get the maximum value out of this, it was extremely important that I did this with two caveats:

1. Playing it off would be one thing, but accepting it is another. It would be much easier if I walked down the Boardwalk in the dress and purposely acted like a buffoon as if it was a bet or that I’m just horsing around. The more challenging (and critical) method is to do it as if it was completely normal. It’s easy (or easier) to pretend that I’m just a goofball tranny/crossdresser, making jokes, acting like a clown, or laughing at the whole thing. Those are all methods of releasing the tension and justifying the ridiculous act of a man wearing a dress. Instead, my objective was to be as comfortable as possible with wearing a dress and doing my best to pretend that this was normal for me. By being calm and sitting in the tension of having people think that I’m a moron is much more effective than trying to “play it off” and giving people an excuse to justify why I have a dress on.
2. Ignoring people is one thing, but it’s another to connect with them. It would be easier to completely ignore and disconnect from people. This would be like walking down the Boardwalk and pretending no one was there. The more challenging thing to do would be to notice, acknowledge, be present, and connect with people. Make eye contact with people who stare. Feel the disgust and humility on their faces. See it, hear it, and feel it – but let it all channel through me and remain solid.

With that said, my friend JoRock and I walked down the Venice Boardwalk on Saturday July 4th as men wearing dresses.  Pure and Carte Blanche joined us in support and got some footage as well.

The experience.

A couple of things were as I expected. People did some double takes to look twice and made sure they saw what they saw. Even a couple of police officers were a little shocked. Drivers in cars stuck in traffic honked and screamed at us as we walked by. Some even took a picture.

Most people though were afraid to make eye contact. As soon as they noticed that we were dressed like women, their eyes would shoot away and try to ignore us.  I tried to make eye contact with most people, but they struggled to look in my eyes.

I could tell that many people had these guilty smiles on their face that they were trying to contain.  I took the whole dress thing very seriously and didn’t even crack a smile, so they definitely interpreted it as something normal and not a joke.  Having that frame of mind made most people afraid to laugh in front of my face, but many had no problem laughing and commenting behind my back after I walked by and looked back.  It unfortunately goes to show how a lot of people in life do these things: gossip behind your back because they don’t have the nerve to do it in your face.  It’s something I’ve been guilty of before myself, so it was a good reminder to be a better human being by not being one of those people that do that.

The two most uncomfortable moments from the whole experience:

1. Basketball court walk of shame. Walking through the crowd wasn’t too bad, so Carte Blanche challenged me to walk across the basketball court where all the spectators and masculine basketball players were sitting.  The idea made my skin crawl to purposely try to attract attention and have all those people look at me.  So of course, I had to do it.  That was pretty embarrassing because I knew all eyes were on me and I was trying to get attention.  It was pretty shameful as I could barely make any eye contact while doing that.
2. The rowdy teenage boys. Towards the end, I must have already been walking around for over an hour and was feeling quite comfortable doing it. But as I was leaving the Boardwalk, there was an SUV full of these teenage boys all staring at me.  We made eye contact, but it was uneasy for me because of the way they were looking.  I detected this sense of inferiority and mockery, as if they were looking at me like they were better than me. It felt like high school all over again. And after I had walked several feet past them, I heard this humongous roar of laughter.  That was probably the most hurtful part of the whole experience.

The conclusion.

But overall, it wasn’t that bad.  It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be to have hundreds of people see me in a dress.  For the most part, I was able to remain solid and walk around in a dress as if it was a normal Saturday thing to do.  I’m happy I was able to keep my composure and handle the situation relatively well.  As I reflect on my experience, I feel pretty good that I had the nerve to do something like this as most men wouldn’t have the courage to do it.  However, I still felt strangely unfulfilled after it was all over.  It was anti-climatic.  I wasn’t excited or thrilled, but felt kinda empty; like is that it?  Have you ever felt that way about accomplishing something that you thought would have been more spectacular than it actually turned out to be?

But it gets better.

So after it was over, I was feeling a little bummed about the whole thing.  I didn’t have that sense of victory as I thought I would have.  Nonetheless, it was the Fourth of July after all, so I participated in the barbecue activities at the Inner Confidence residence.  Towards the evening, I was suppose to leave and hop to another BBQ, but I stayed and am glad I did because I met this Wicked woman.

I kinda noticed her earlier in the evening, but didn’t get a chance to chat with her until the later part of the evening – just as the fireworks coincidentally started. So what can I say about her and the experience? Well…it was definitely more fulfilling than walking down the Boardwalk in a dress.

It was refreshing to meet someone who actually shares the similar beliefs, values, and outlook on life.  Someone who understands how I feel about where I’ve been, where I’m at now, and where I’m going and vice versa.  Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who has insecurities and fears to overcome and it’s a long and lonely journey, but don’t really notice until someone else crosses onto your path. I’m always pleasantly surprised about how the Universe always comes through for me and supplies me with exactly what I need at this very moment now.

So the day didn’t turn out how I expected, but it did turn out better than I expected.

It’s an interesting situation. In the past few days, I’ve been feeling supremely confident at times and now I feel like a chicken again. But after a little while, I realized that this has been much better than several months ago. Back then, I used to be chicken all the time and not confident any time. So putting it into that perspective helped a lot because now it’s confident some of the time and only chicken some of the time (and much less of one than before).

But as I was walking back to the office, I thought about my situation right now: I feel very confident when I approach the women that I’m only moderately attracted to. I have that feeling of “I can do this.” But when it comes to the women that I’m really attracted to, I get scared wondering if I’m good enough for them and give them all the power. So on one hand, I didn’t want to date the ones that were only moderately attractive because I wanted to go for the perfect girl. On the other hand, I was still scared of the perfect girl. Dilemma right?

But when I asked Brian about it the other day, he said to go do both. Instead of this being mutually exclusive, go for both types of women. He recommended that I should date the women I’m moderately attracted to (my 7’s and 8’s) while simultaneously going for the ones I’m super attracted to (my 9’s and 10’s). It was such a simple and easy answer, I wonder why I didn’t think of it. Makes sense to learn to date and get comfortable with women in general while I build my experience and confidence during the process.

So by the time I got back to the office, I was both enlightened and frustrated. I’m glad I had my epiphany, but wasn’t satisfied that I didn’t really go for those two other girls I saw. After a little while, I knew what I had to do.

I finished up what I needed to do at the office and went to the hallway bathroom. I washed my hands, fixed my hair, and wiped the sweat off my forehead. I gathered myself, walked out the bathroom door, turned a couple of feet, and rang the intercom doorbell to suite 850.

Receptionist through the intercom: Hello. The door’s open. Come on in.

I open the door and go into the office.

Me: Oh. I thought that was like a buzzer and the door was locked.
Receptionist: Yeah. Everybody thinks that. Anyways, how can I help you?
Me: Yeah. Is Lisa here? I’d like to talk to her. It’s C-Dub. I’m your neighbor in suite 800.
Receptionist: Yeah. I remember you.
Me: Oh. Cool.
Receptionist: [Speaking into the telephone.] Hi Lisa. C-Dub is here in the lobby to see you.
Receptionist: She’ll be right out.

Lisa: Hi.
Me: Hi Lisa. It’s C-Dub. We met a while ago. Do you have a couple of minutes to talk privately outside in the hallway?
Lisa: OK.

We go out into the hallway.

Me: So yeah. Do you remember me? I ran into you in the elevator one night a few months ago when you were working late.
Lisa: [Thinks about it for a little bit.] Oh yeah. I remember.
Me: Since that night, I was hoping we’d bump into each other again because I thought you were adorable.

She blushes. Then her boss walks through the hallway and she gets embarrassed some more.

Me: Was that your boss?
Lisa: Yeah. That was my boss. [Blushes some more.]
Me: Oh good. Now it’s awkward for the both of us.

Me: But yeah. The company I had work for is moving out, so today is our last day in the building. So before I go, I had to come by and see you again because I think you’re cute. I didn’t want to go to bed tonight with regret because it’s one of the worst feelings in the world, so I wanted to meet you. We should hang out sometime.
Lisa: [Blushes and giggles.] Hang out? I’m kinda seeing someone right now.

Me: Wow. I’m flattered. We only met for a short time and you already consider me dating material. Do you think we can take it one step at a time and just start by being friends? [Smile.]
Lisa: [Laughes.] So just hang out? As friends? [Smiles.] I’m actually just casually dating him.

Me: OK cool. So we’ll hang out sometime. Are you a texter?
Lisa: Why don’t you give me your phone number? [Reaches for the door to presumably go back inside and get a piece of paper and pen.]
Me: [Puts hand on door.] Wait a minute. You’re not one of THOSE girls that call 24 hours a day. Because if that’s you, then I’m going to have to give you your phone number back. [Smile.]
Lisa: [Laughes and smiles.]

Me: So do you like babies?
Lisa: I like dogs.
Me: Babies are a little different than dogs. Because if you don’t like babies, we can’t be friends. [I show her my wallpaper picture of my niece on my phone.] She’s my niece. I love her to death. I saw her today.

Lisa: [Didn't seem very thrilled.]
Me: So anyways, what’s your area code? Are you a 310 girl? [I stand next to her with phone in my hand.]
Lisa: Yeah.
Me: 310…go ahead.
Lisa: XXX-XXXX.

Me: OK cool. We’ll hang out some time. I’ll let you get back to work now. Gimmie a hug.

The hug was kinda wimpy and I forgot to bust her on it because I was still nervous.

In any event, it was such an awesome moment for me. (She seemed to have really liked it too because she giggled and blushed the whole time.) I’ve never put my heart on the line like that and spilled my guts like that before, so it was really cool to be truly genuine and vulnerable to a woman like that and see her respond so positively and be flattered about it. It felt like I was in a romantic comedy movie.

I also felt like I was on top of the world. I didn’t care as much about getting her number or not. I was just so thrilled with myself that this was my first real step towards going after a girl who is really my type. She’s this smart white girl (real estate finance) with blondish brown hair. She has multiple ear piercings and is really feminine, but with a down-to-earth girl-next-door personality. She’s just a tad shy, which is adorable because it’s just enough, but seems to be really outgoing and carefree once she gets to know someone. At least that’s my read on it.

So anyways, I’m really proud of myself for knocking on that door and doing what I did because it was the scariest thing I remember doing thus far all year. =0)